Saturday, August 31, 2019

Expectations

Whether we know them, express them, or realize them later, we all have expectations. I remember being in pre-marital counseling and the pastor having us write down what we expected from the other once we were married. Wow. Glad we got that out there ahead of time! It’s pretty eye-opening... just what we bring into experiences, relationships, marriages, friendships, and even sabbaticals!

As we have been here over a month now, I have had time to reflect and have realized that I had some unspoken expectations of our time in Hawaii. Hmmm, since I’m being honest, the unspoken thoughts went something like this: “We will be living in paradise, near the beach, with sunshine and palm trees and waves and sand and mountains. Everyone will be happy. We will all feel laid back and relaxed. The kids will get along and play together. We will make friends with our neighbors and meet new people. We will have so much family time. We won't get on each other's nerves--I mean, we will be living the island life! When school starts, we will have calmer mornings and I won’t feel so rushed, like I do all the time. The kids will keep up with their responsibilities well since we are in a new place, a new house, with a different pace of life.” And so on...

Now don’t get me wrong. This is a heavenly paradise to live in. But I am either super naive, super optimistic or just plain stupid (or maybe all of the above). And what I’ve learned is that no matter where you are or where you live, we are flawed human beings, living in a broken world, and there WILL be trouble. There’s just no escaping it. The Bible even tells us that in John 16:33–“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” And trouble can present itself in various forms. Here are some of the ways it has shown itself in our piece of the world:

• Kids arguing, fighting, bickering, scratching, calling each other names
• Kids not keeping up with their basic responsibilities—beds unmade, plates left at the table, dirty clothes on the floor, clean clothes on the floor, belongings strewn about, and that daggone toilet seat...
• Speaking unkindly and disrespectfully—both kids and parents
• Having 2 very difficult neighbors directly next to us and across from us—evidenced when on an afternoon swimming in our pool at 3pm, our doorbell rang and 2 outraged women were at the door, one of which was upset that she couldn’t take a nap due to loud children and music. This woman was quite outspoken in her anger; the other, deceivingly soft-spoken and passive, yet similarly enraged. Said woman also has a video camera pointing directly at our house. And we feel as if we are being stalked and listened to at all times. 
• Maintenance issues in our rental house—a refrigerator that doesn’t work, can’t keep cool and therefore spoils food within a couple of days, causing us to throw away so much. Chairs whose fabric covering was flaking off and creating a mess on the floor anytime someone would sit in them. (They’ve been replaced.) Many windows that do not open (the breeze here is crucial to comfort). An oven that has a mind of its own and doesn’t work well. An A/C unit that doesn’t cool. A roof that has a leak. And with all of these issues comes service men in and out of our house multiple times a week. 
• Falling down the stairs—yes, I’m talking about myself. While carrying my 50 lb, 6 year old boy at 3am down the stairs to go back to his bed, I missed the last step (I think) and fell, injuring my back and left foot. I haven’t experienced pain like that since I broke my tailbone. (also a child related injury!) The recovery has been long, tedious, and frustrating. The “active” adventures that I wanted to try on this trip have been put on hold. Even just simple exercise has been put on hold.


• • • • • • • • • • • •

Awareness is critical to growth. As I have reflected on the first month here, journaled, prayed and talked through it with dear friends, I’ve been able to speak out loud that there has been chaos, unexpected twists, and pieces of the story that I didn’t write ahead of time. I’ve felt a low level of internal stress. Just having that awareness is so freeing—not trying to sugarcoat the reality of what our life is like on this beautiful island. In a culture of filtered and perfect Instagram posts, it’s easy to want to be seen as having it all together. But what our culture really needs is authenticity. Honesty. Real, raw footage of the struggles in life that most of us can relate to. 

Adjustment is a real thing. And with any change in life, big or small, there is a phase of adjusting. And it can be ugly at times, sad, or lonely. It’s how we handle the bumps in the road that matter and make lasting impact. Sometimes we can go around them, but most of the time we have to walk over the bump. And as John 16:33 says above, in Him, we may have peace. Peace. Yes... what we all desire in this chaotic world is peace. And Jesus offers it to us. And He is meeting me in this place. So as one friend reminded me, no matter where I am, I need Jesus. And my kids need me. Just like we can’t escape trouble in life, my children are in a phase of adolescence that require consistent coaching and encouragement. Living in paradise doesn’t change that. What was I thinking? My hope and prayer is that they see Jesus in me. And that I can embrace the unexpected that God allows in my day to day to draw me closer to Him.

So how have we dealt with some of these bumps? I am incredibly thankful for the presence of my husband during this time, to see the daily rhythms of our family like he hasn't before. His input has been critical in changing the way the household runs. 
• We have had intentional conversations about how we treat others, how we can show respect, and how to love others even when they are mean or just plain annoy us. (It's called grace.) We've read what God has to say about it all and have prayed together. We've apologized and asked for forgiveness.
• We've made "expectation charts" for each child, so that what Mom & Dad expect from them each day is visually laid out. This has helped with less "nagging" from Mom and more ownership from each child. They have punishments for not doing their "jobs", but more importantly, a reward at the end of each week ($) and even more exciting, it seems, a teamwork reward of an ice cream sundae bar on the weekend if everyone works together to complete their responsibilities. 
• We've made some accommodations to appease the neighbors, all while embracing the fact that we have 3 children and a pool and we will enjoy those unapologetically. 



Most importantly, I am learning to live each day with purpose and intention that is focused on my relationships with the Lord, my husband and my children. I feel recharged to embrace the bumps, learn from them, and to keep walking forward, trusting that God is at work in our hearts and lives. I will choose to let my expectations shift into expecting that God has a plan for me and is in control. I will continue to be optimistic, welcoming this extraordinary opportunity to live a slower pace of life. And I feel incredibly grateful to be in such a beautiful place learning these things. I sure miss my people back home, but am so thankful for their input into my life and how they fill my cup.

So take heart, friends, God is at work in your lives, too. Recognize that you bring expectations into everything. And those expectations can shape the dynamic of your daily rhythm. No matter where you live, what change or transition you are going through, or what season of life... acknowledge that there will be trouble, but be encouraged; He has overcome the world!

xoxo
Molly





Thursday, August 22, 2019

Reflections on the Water


The ocean.
The vast and open expanse of water. The deep sea that holds life below, some unknown, some familiar, yet all mysterious. The power of the swell and the energy of the waves. The tides that ebb and flow—a constant movement that somehow brings a sense of calm and peace. The back and forth, coming and going, bringing in and washing away.

The ocean is a beautiful picture and a visible depiction of our great God. Mysterious, vast, powerful, constant, never ceasing. His presence brings peace—peace that transcends our understanding. (Philippians 4:7) His love is expansive—covering as far as the east is from the west. (Psalm 103:12) As our lives ebb and flow through good and bad, His grace brings forgiveness and freedom while it washes away the shame and regret that try to bind us. The motion of the ocean portrays a deep sense of well-being—that despite the unknown that may lie ahead, we have a good and mighty God that is in control of it all.

• • • • • • • • • •

The waves were big that day. I was fearful to get in the water. Even though my kids were already jumping the waves or diving under them, I was nervous. The strength of the water has always intimidated me. But with a few more pleads and begs, I made my way out to meet them. As I turned around to see the beach where I had been laying, my eyes moved upward. My gaze caught the majestic mountains that were the backdrop. The view that could only be seen from inside the water.  A different perspective, a beautiful sight that I could only visualize after getting over my fear and taking the steps into the water. Sometimes we can only see the bigger, beautiful picture when we step out in faith.

• • • • • • • • • •

We anchored the kayak in the middle of the Bay. We chose one of the many sandbars to drop our anchor in, got our snorkel gear on, and jumped in the water. We could stand there and felt secure. As we began swimming, the colors of the coral caught our eye. We kicked faster and suddenly, as clearly as we saw the sand, we saw a drop into a dark abyss. Like a cliff on the side of a mountain, the sandbar abruptly ended with a sheer plunge. The dark unknown lurked below, yet on the edge was life. Beautiful coral, colorful fish, schools that swam together, urchins that stayed put to guard their territory. And suddenly, right in front of us was a sea turtle, hovering over the coral, living life on the edge. We swam along the long edge and found another sea turtle and quietly suspended ourselves to watch intently. Life in another environment. A part of creation that lives under the surface. The beauty that lies below the shiny, sun-reflected veneer could only be admired by jumping in the water. Though the deep chasm was daunting, the unknown intimidating, focusing on the reality of the beauty in front of us allowed for an incredible experience.

May we keep our eyes focused on what’s true, what’s real and the beauty that surrounds us. Step out in faith, trusting that a faithful and loving God goes before you. (Deuteronomy 31:8)


Thursday, August 15, 2019

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

 I had a lot of expectations for the last week before school started. I envisioned us exploring and carrying on our adventurous spirit while we had the extra time. Well, we did do some of that, which I’ll highlight later, but to be honest, I felt as though I was spending most of my time playing referee. As I know most of you moms and dads can relate, sibling rivalry is real. It’s exhausting. It’s disappointing. It’s beyond frustrating. And it doesn’t discriminate between your home, a restaurant, a beach or in paradise. But I also know that it is a crucial teaching moment for all involved. Between complaining, whining, bickering, arguing, hitting, name-calling and just plain mean-ness, we were at our wits end. It is so easy to respond out of emotion (frustration and anger) and while that is the immediate response, it doesn’t create change. Parenting is hard. Disciplining is hard. Yet trusting in God’s faithfulness is hopeful. His faithfulness is constant through His grace and His love. For us to impart any wisdom on our children or help cultivate kindness, demonstrating impatience, anger and frustration is not the way to get there. So Lord, please continue to help us. The daily struggle is real.

Within the large pile of books that I packed on this trip is one called My Brother’s Keeper: Youth by Kim Sorgious. I bought it a while back during another phase of this somewhat war-in-our-home. The short studies provide a Biblical story and practical questions for the children. I pulled it out and we restarted where we left off. When our children can communicate clearly, speaking out loud about the wrongs they’ve caused others and recognizing ways to attempt change, beautiful things happen. Did it fix it all? No. Did the bickering stop? No. Was there no more name calling? In my dreams! But awareness was built. Compassion was cultivated. Our family being a team was reinforced. And we will move forward, one hour at a time.

So take heart—whether your kids are still hanging around in summer mode or you’re back in school and the car rides home are not what you were hoping for—these are the moments that can make or break the culture of your household. Step away when you’re angry. Have intentional conversations. Speak truth into your children’s hearts and minds. God is faithful to honor us in this radically hard, yet joyous privilege of parenting.
•  •  •  •  •
As for the “last week of summer adventures”, we made some memories.

We had an encounter/situation/altercation/confrontation with 2 of our neighbors (2 women who ganged up on us—it felt like). They were irate and complaining that we were being too loud at 2:30 in the afternoon while playing in the pool. We are still processing this ordeal and how to respond appropriately, respectfully and God-honoring while also sticking up for ourselves in a loving way. I plan to write more about this ordeal in a separate post, so stay tuned! It’s quite a story....

We tried out Anchor Church in a town nearby called Kaneohe. The kids really loved it. That may or may have had to do with the hot chocolate that they offered. In one direction was a cross at the base of a beautiful mountain and in the other direction was a view of Kaneohe Bay. The church was similar to Hope Church in Richmond, but smaller, and we liked the experience, teaching and aloha welcome!





We drove up to the North Shore one day and hung out at the beach at Turtle Bay Resort. The cool thing about Hawaii is that all beaches are public, so you can visit anywhere you like. The kids snorkeled while Cabell and I sat at the bar and drank local craft beers. :) The kids managed to come join us, per usual, and the bartender served them delicious ice cream sandwiches!





We then went into the cool town of Halaweia and had lunch at a Mexican spot. Cute shops and  restaurants coupled with the laid back island feel is always a hit.


On the drive home, we stopped by the Dole Plantation. It was too late in the day to have a tour or go through their “World’s Largest Maze”, but it was fun stop. 




We went kayaking one morning in Kaneohe Bay at the He’eia State Park. One of the islands in the Bay is Coconut Island, aka Gilligan’s Island. It is a protected area, so you cannot go onto the island, but we were able to see the famed island where they filmed the classic show! I put on an episode for the kids when we got home and they were not enchanted the way that I used to be.... 

There were many snorkeling spots and we anchored and went to check them out. It was unreal how the sand would drop off like a mountainous cliff into the deep ocean. All along the edge was beautiful coral, fish, and we came upon 2 sea turtles as well. It was incredible to see them in their natural environment without a mass of people watching them (as with our other experiences). They are massive, beautiful animals that glide through the water. I’ve learned a lot from the water...and will share my thoughts on that in a different post.





Our other days were spend relaxing, watching too much TV, playing on the beach, swinging in the hammock, reading and swimming in the pool. I’ve made the jump into being a fan of the pool—sometimes you will find me in there without any kids! Cabell and I had a date night at Whole Foods where they have the Windward Bar...Thursday nights are Burgers and Beer for $13. Of course they offered a Beyond Burger, so we indulged. Whole Foods is the place to be! And with my Amazon Prime membership, it’s also the place to shop! Particularly for produce. I’ve been cooking more and trying to establish a good menu of vegan dinners for us. (Though Cabell and I are vegan + fish, our kids are not except for dinners if I’m cooking.) I’m thankful for the time and space to cook. Oh, and we succumbed to the heat and have turned on the A/C at times. :) Cooking in hot humidity is NOT fun. 









We went back to school shopping at Target, met teachers, and went to a school wide picnic. We were ready for school! And they had a great first couple of days. 




And if you need a laugh, just watch this video of the kids trying to get a bird out of our house. And they succeeded! Freedom is sweet! 

Thanks for following along...more later!

Xoxo Molly

Monday, August 5, 2019

Lazy Days. Island Life.

As we settle in to this new house, our rhythm of life is already shifting. It may be that it’s summertime, but I also feel that the island lifestyle is contagious. In fact, as we drove down the road one day, painted on the side of the street was the phrase “ALOHA IT’S A LIFESTYLE”. I believe it. The slow pace, lack of calendar commitments, and only basic, daily responsibilities are a welcomed change.


Some notables and differences from home from our first 2 weeks here:

• I spend much of my time outside. It’s cooler outside with the breeze and it’s just quite inviting. Yes, we have A/C, but they are mini splits in the rooms—and because the power is so costly here, we are giving it a go without using A/C. Livin’ like a local. (Or maybe not!) And don’t worry, family that are coming to visit, we won’t forbid you from using the A/C if you need to. :)
•I’m getting used to being in a constant state of sweat. I’m very aware of breezes and am much more appreciative of this simple pleasure. 
• I find myself staring at palm trees for extended periods of time. I find them to be so calming as they sway in the breeze.
• I have not blown dry or “done” my hair since we’ve been here. And have only worn mascara and lip gloss occasionally.
• As of right now, I overpacked.
• Luke thinks that clothes are optional. (Thankfully this doesn’t apply outside of the household.)
• We grocery shop as a family. This has NEVER happened. I like it, though my already decision-making-inability is challenged even more with all the little opinions and suggestions chiming in. I need to have a plan before we go in there. 
• Cabell makes the coffee in the morning. I make breakfast.
• We have 1 car and so far it is working out fine. We are just a big family unit all the time.
• To that end, the kids have exhausted us and each other with their arguing and bickering. In fact, a “first” happened just the other day. And I hope it was a “last”, too. We went out for lunch to a spot down the road that we saw on Diners, Drive-In’s and Dives. We sat down and within 2 minutes, the children were either complaining, arguing about what to order or who the heck even knows. It was a miserable entry to a nice lunch. So, we got up and left. The shock and horror on the kids’ faces were undeniable. We took the kids home and Cabell and I went back to the restaurant and enjoyed the lunch by ourselves. We talked through the situation and truly, it was one of the hardest things we’ve done (to actually follow through with something like that), but it sure made an impression. It was a teachable moment to discuss gratitude, appreciation, and kindness. As we were enjoying fish burgers (as seen on the show), they had, yet another, PBJ at home with no technology allowed. Yikes. 
• Boogie boarding and playing in the waves never seem to get old.
• Daddy and Lawson have had several surfing bonding nights while the younger 2 and I hold down the fort. These are some of the boys’ favorite memories and times thus far.
• The “wild life” around our house is crawling...roaches, ants, lizards, fruit flies and flies. The roaches are no joke and even though I’m used to them from Florida, I’m still scared of them when I see them crawling...or flying! While the boys were surfing the other night, my brave Lilly chased one down, squashed it, and flushed it...all while I was outside, cheering her on. 
• We’ve enjoyed swimming together, pool monkey in the middle, Scattergories, and watching Impractical Jokers together. 
•Cabell is on the phone working until about 1-2 pm during the week. The goal is that after that, we keep the phones at a distance (me included) and be present with each other. This is one of the habits that we are trying to form during our time here and it has proven to be one of the hardest so far. But we have time to continue practicing.
• Lawson tried out for the 7-12th grade volleyball team and made it! I was super proud of him for trying out for a sport that he’s never played with people that he doesn’t know.
• Lilly lost a tooth! After days of not being able to eat well without it hurting, big brother, Lawson, pulled her tooth out for her! The tooth fairy made it to Hawaii and brought $5.
• We are still enjoying our fresh mangos and Cabell has perfected the mango daiquiri. 
• Walking on the beach is invigorating—the wind blowing, mountains in the distance, watching surfers and kite surfers, and the waves crashing.
• We had our first hurricane scare, but thankfully, Erick went south and Flossie seems to be going north. 
• I love swinging and reading in the hammock or eno. Most days, you can find me there.
• Lilly and Luke made a friend down the street and have enjoyed playing together!














I’ll be really curious as to how starting school on August 12th will change our rhythm and pace. Our hope is not too much. We have 1 week left of summer and plan to enjoy some outings and adventures this week.

Spreading aloha to you, near and far.

XOXO